The Untold Story of the Galleria Fire

The Sacramento Bee learned this morning that an elite volunteer strike force saved the Roseville Galleria Mall, fully engulfed in flames and written off as a lost cause by attending fire fighters.

Cloaked in darkness, a caravan of 400 Lexus RX450h SUVs rushed down from Granite Bay and Serrano Country Club to take command of the out-of-control inferno.

Armed only with Evian mineral water sprays, vitamin drinks and Grande non-fat, no foam, double-shot lattes, the group of nearly six hundred, taut and tanned trophy wives and their daughters had control of the flames within 15 minutes of arriving.

“They saved our butts,” said battalion chief, Bret Stones. “It was the worst conditions I’ve ever encountered. Hell, most of us are guys. The minute we entered the mall we were exhausted and had to sit down on those little couches. To make matters worse, when the flames hit the Yankee Candle Store the combined scent almost killed us. You can only shove so many coffee beans up your nose.”

In fact, the conditions were so detrimental to the male contingency of fire fighters, that only three female crewmembers and Spot, Roseville Fire Department’s Dalmatian mascot were battling the blaze throughout most of the day.

“This is the worse day of our lives,” said Missy Gomez-Caldicott-Anderson-Broadhead-Northstrom, spokeswoman and former tennis star of the newly formed Serrano Country Club Fire Battalion. “Even though this was a designated bridge club day we felt we had to do something.”

Tragically, the women, young and younger, now consider themselves homeless.

“What are we to do now?” asked one of the nearly indistinguishable from each other Granite Bay firefighters. “Stay at home with our husbands?”

Reports of daily shopping trips to San Francisco and demands that Governor Schwarznegger declare Roseville and the immediate foothill area a disaster area were overheard.

“I would rather die than shop at Arden,” was the final word of the evening.

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